I received a very thoughtful email from a reader last week and I thought I’d take some time to reply to them. Here is our exchange in full:
From: laremy.sg | The Official Website of Laremy Lee (李庭辉) <—@laremy.sg>
Date: Tue, 2 Sept 2025 at 20:02
Subject: Re: Article from Straits Times : What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?
To: — <—@gmail.com>
Dear [their name],
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me after reading my op-ed.
I’m sorry to hear your peers feel saving marriages seems pointless. Part of the struggle is that so many have been conditioned into disillusionment.
As I shared in my piece, media portrayals, cultural narratives and even well-meaning advice from family members and friends normalise divorce by presenting it as the default, best or only solution when the spark seems to have fizzled.
Over time, this attitude shapes expectations and beliefs, making it harder to imagine that working through conflict is even possible.
This creates a vicious circle: the more people see divorce as inevitable, the fewer examples there are of couples who succeed and the harder it becomes for others to believe in saving their own marriages.
We need to break that cycle by giving couples hope along with the tools and skills to rebuild their relationships, especially in the majority of cases where reconciliation is a very real possibility.
You also brought up the notion of a marital dissolution ceremony as a counterpoint to a wedding.
It sounds like you’re suggesting that if loved ones could physically see how damaging their seemingly helpful divorce advice actually is, perhaps they would think twice before giving it.
In this regard, you’re absolutely right: the “tribe” we are in makes a huge difference.
People often say in relation to career and professional success that “Your network is your net worth.”
Cringeworthy as this cliche may be, it captures a fundamental truth about life and relationships.
When we have mindful cheerleaders around us who are supportive, encouraging and provide genuinely helpful and effective criticism for improvement, we and our communities are stronger for it.
Conversely, positive growth and development becomes a Sisyphean feat when we are surrounded by mindlessness and thoughtlessness.
I also share your concerns that marriage is increasingly treated as a contract rather than a covenant and how the divorce industry has expanded to the point that players profit off pain while people – spouses, parents and especially children – pay the price.
As part of a strategic shift towards greater marital literacy in society, we must do our part to help this industry transition to a better business model.
For this to happen, we need our policymakers to create the incentives and conditions for positive change.
Thank you again for sharing your reflections with me.
I’m heartened by your support and I’d be so grateful if you could please help me spread the word. Every starfish counts ️⭐️
And, as always, if you know anyone who is struggling, please send them my way. I don’t want anyone else to go through the pain I did.
Wishing you a great week ahead.
Warmly,
Laremy
From: — <—@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2025 at 11:37
Subject: Article from Straits Times : What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?
To: <—@laremy.sg>Dear Laremy, thank you for writing that article.
Saving marriages seems to be pointless when I talk to my peers.
And when there are enablers who justify normalising divorce versus saving the marriage , it just gets harder. That is why the tribe you are in is very important. Those who believe in fighting for their marriage vs Divorce is normal. When you believe in a marriage covenant, it is not a contract.
Sadly, marriages seem to become a contract.Maybe any couple who married in front of their loved ones then decided to divorce, should divorce in front of their loved ones who attended their marriage.
Sigh.
I really wish that the divorce lawyers also don’t profit from this industry.
What are your children learning then?Anyway thank you for writing that article on saving marriages.
