Three lessons from my 20s

Sat, 3 May 2014
4 min read
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About 10 days ago, a new and younger friend asked me what the 10 most important lessons I learnt in my 20s were.

We were walking to the train station from Empress Place, so I only managed to come up with three lessons before we parted ways.

While sitting on the train on the way home, I realised I really only needed three lessons for two reasons:

  1. These are the fundamentals; you need to work on getting the basics right before working on the rest.

  2. Cognitive load, yo. We can only remember so much, so two to three lessons, objectives, etc. is optimal.

I wish I had known these three things earlier, or at least have someone tell me what to do and how to do it – then I wouldn’t have felt like I was floundering at some points in time in my 20s.

But, hey – better late than never, and I’d like everyone to benefit from this too.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the three most important life lessons I learnt in my 20s:

  1. Value yourself
  2. Set boundaries
  3. Let go

If you have the time, here they are, fleshed out in detail:

  1. Value yourself.
    This is the most important. Read about it in detail here and here.

    If you can’t value yourself, figure out what’s stopping you from loving yourself.

    Perhaps you’re a manic-depressive or you lack self-confidence. Then talk to a mental health professional. It’s OK to not be OK, but it’s not OK to not help yourself.

    Let me reframe this for you: We visit doctors whenever we’re physically unwell, so there’s no shame in visiting a counseller if you’re mentally unwell. Figuratively speaking, they’re both mechanics – but for different things.

    Feeling fat? Exercise and lose weight.

    Friends are messing you up? Stop hanging out with them. Cut them off or don’t meet with them so much. Join activities where you can make new friends who’ll be healthier for you.

    Ultimately, you don’t need toxic people or people who don’t add value to your life to bring you down.

  2. Set boundaries.
    Don’t know how to do it? Google is your friend.

    Your boss is making you work on weekends without compensation (time off, overtime pay, etc.)? Tell your boss you don’t do weekends, and stick to it.

    Or find a new job that values your skill and pays you more, without you having to spend precious “you” time doing work that should be done on weekdays.

    Most importantly, learn to say “no”.

    Again, if you value yourself enough, this will come easily; you’ll be less inclined to commit yourself to emotional vampires or productivity thieves – things or people who steal precious time and energy from you.

  3. Let go.

    4. Stop hoarding that shit already, yo!

    But how do I go about doing that?, you ask. Well, ask yourself the difficult questions you’ve been shying away from all these years, such as:

    • Do I really need to maintain contact with that friend or family member?
    • Do I really need to keep that mug?
    • Do I really need to file away that lesson plan?

    But how do I find the answers to that?, you ask. Well, use this litmus test:

    1. If I really needed it, I’d have used it already (or, in the case of human beings: made contact with that person/benefited from that person’s presence).
    2. If I haven’t already used it, I’m never gonna use it (or, in the case of human beings: contacted/made contact with that person/benefited from that person’s presence).
    3. If in doubt, throw it out.

    So that friend or family member who adds completely no value to your life? Cut her or him off.

    That mug which you haven’t drank from and which you probably won’t use because you have five other mugs like it? Chuck it out.

    That lesson p- What are you doing keeping hard copies of lesson plans when they should be in soft copy and filed away in the folder system GP>2009>Term 3>Week 4>Lesson 1?

Again, there were other lessons I learnt too, such as why it’s important to:

  • Always be closing;
  • Have good role models; and
  • Have a good grasp on financial matters, among others.

But as I’ve always maintained: Focus on the fundamentals and work on the root problems first, before going on to improve the other things.

Hence, remember to always value yourself, set boundaries and let go.

(Background music: “Nothing Better” by The Postal Service)

Stop hoarding that shit already

Sun, 12 Jan 2014
1 min read
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Stop hoarding that shit already!

So the second important post I needed to make in relation to what I learnt from 2013 is about hoarding.

At some point, I realised I’d been hoarding quite a bit of shit – physical objects, emotional attachments, social media connections, etc.

It wasn’t doing me any good in terms of moving on with life so I decided to start the long and arduous process of decluttering.

Or so I thought at first.

Decluttering is made much easier when you learn how to set boundaries and learn to let go.

Hence, the rule of thumb which I devised from the process (and which I call Stop Hoarding That Shit Already [SHTSA]):

  1. If you really needed it, you’d have used it already.
  2. If you haven’t already used it, you’re never gonna use it.
  3. If in doubt, throw it out.

Suffice to say it was a great success, so hope it helps you with decluttering your own life too.

Used to love her: A fond farewell to 2013

Thu, 2 Jan 2014
3 min read
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Whole lot fall in

So!

Pursuant to my previous post which I needed to write to bridge some gaps, I’m now ready to say goodbye to 2013.

I wish I could say it was a fan-fucking-tastic year, in the same way that 2008 was awesome.

Fortunately or unfortunately, 2013 was a year of what could’ve been but wasn’t – for the better, of course.

A recap of the year’s highlights:

  • Did the freelance writer thing and wrote for a range of publications;
  • Went to Toji Cultural Centre in Korea for a two-month-long writing residency;
  • Travelled to Phuket, Hong Kong, Macau and Kuala Lumpur too – all very good getaways;
  • Taught in various capacities over the course of the year;
  • Started a new job at a great place – hopefully, a post on that soon; and
  • Learnt to stop hoarding and cleared out a lot of my old possessions, from clothing to household equipment – a post on that sooner.

The physical clearing out of objects was symbolic too, in terms of feeling less weighed down with tangible and intangible burdens.

And that helped me feel a lot better about myself than I’ve felt in recent years.

Along with that, I’ve sorted out many things in my life and I’m very ready to settle down – marriage and the whole shebang.

On that note, 2013 was relevant because of the dating and learning what I want/who I am looking for.

Without going into too much detail: I loved and I lost, and I loved and I lost, and I loved and I lost.

But I loved every single moment – from the way she arched her back to Instagram the pattern of light shining through the blinds onto my wall; to the way we were wonderful while side-by-side, if only for those fleeting moments; to the way the music made us move in a Dionysian-nectared intensity.

You may have taken away one year of my youth, 2013, but you paid your tab and the debt is squared.

What I took away from you – whether it was at work or with family, friends, lovers, etc. – was:

  • Learning how to set boundaries: to clearly communicate what it is I want and to say no to unreasonable demands on me; and
  • Learning how to let go: to be less sentimental about material and emotional things.

So I’m bidding you a fond farewell, 2013.

I used to love you, but you didn’t live up to your potential.

I’m letting you go, like how I’ve let go of the many other things for me to be free, and move on, and move up.

I’m leaner, I’m lighter and I’m ready for you, 2014.

Let’s go.