Re: What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?

Tue, 2 Sep 2025
4 min read
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I received a very thoughtful email from a reader last week and I thought I’d take some time to reply to them. Here is our exchange in full:

From: laremy.sg | The Official Website of Laremy Lee (李庭辉) <—@laremy.sg>
Date: Tue, 2 Sept 2025 at 20:02
Subject: Re: Article from Straits Times : What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?
To: — <—@gmail.com>

Dear [their name],

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me after reading my op-ed.

I’m sorry to hear your peers feel saving marriages seems pointless. Part of the struggle is that so many have been conditioned into disillusionment.

As I shared in my piece, media portrayals, cultural narratives and even well-meaning advice from family members and friends normalise divorce by presenting it as the default, best or only solution when the spark seems to have fizzled.

Over time, this attitude shapes expectations and beliefs, making it harder to imagine that working through conflict is even possible.

This creates a vicious circle: the more people see divorce as inevitable, the fewer examples there are of couples who succeed and the harder it becomes for others to believe in saving their own marriages.

We need to break that cycle by giving couples hope along with the tools and skills to rebuild their relationships, especially in the majority of cases where reconciliation is a very real possibility.

You also brought up the notion of a marital dissolution ceremony as a counterpoint to a wedding.

It sounds like you’re suggesting that if loved ones could physically see how damaging their seemingly helpful divorce advice actually is, perhaps they would think twice before giving it.

In this regard, you’re absolutely right: the “tribe” we are in makes a huge difference.

People often say in relation to career and professional success that “Your network is your net worth.”

Cringeworthy as this cliche may be, it captures a fundamental truth about life and relationships.

When we have mindful cheerleaders around us who are supportive, encouraging and provide genuinely helpful and effective criticism for improvement, we and our communities are stronger for it.

Conversely, positive growth and development becomes a Sisyphean feat when we are surrounded by mindlessness and thoughtlessness.

I also share your concerns that marriage is increasingly treated as a contract rather than a covenant and how the divorce industry has expanded to the point that players profit off pain while people – spouses, parents and especially children – pay the price.

As part of a strategic shift towards greater marital literacy in society, we must do our part to help this industry transition to a better business model.

For this to happen, we need our policymakers to create the incentives and conditions for positive change.

Thank you again for sharing your reflections with me.

I’m heartened by your support and I’d be so grateful if you could please help me spread the word. Every starfish counts ️⭐️

And, as always, if you know anyone who is struggling, please send them my way. I don’t want anyone else to go through the pain I did.

Wishing you a great week ahead.

Warmly,
Laremy

From: — <—@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2025 at 11:37
Subject: Article from Straits Times : What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?
To: <—@laremy.sg>

Dear Laremy, thank you for writing that article.

Saving marriages seems to be pointless when I talk to my peers. 
And when there are enablers who justify normalising divorce versus saving the marriage , it just gets harder. That is why the tribe you are in is very important. Those who believe in fighting for their marriage vs Divorce is normal. When you believe in a marriage covenant, it is not a contract.
Sadly, marriages seem to become a contract. 

Maybe any couple who married in front of their loved ones then decided to divorce,  should divorce in front of their loved ones who attended their marriage. 

Sigh. 

I really wish that the divorce lawyers also don’t profit from this industry. 
What are your children learning then?

Anyway thank you for writing that article on saving marriages.

What if we invested in saving marriages instead of encouraging divorce?

Thu, 28 Aug 2025
1 min read
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(PHOTO: Zakaria Zainal)

Our efforts to destigmatise divorce may have gone too far. If a marriage can be salvaged, let’s teach couples how to give it a chance

Recently released figures from the Department of Statistics (DOS) show 7,382 marriages were dissolved in Singapore in 2024. I never thought mine would be one of them.

In December 2019, I was blindsided when my wife suddenly said, “I never loved you to begin with,” packed her bags and left.

(Continue reading the full article here.)

(Published as “What if we invested in saving marriages instead of encouraging divorce?” on 28 August 2025 in The Straits Times.)

Interview with MyPaper for Hands Down at Going Local 4

Tue, 16 Jun 2015
3 min read
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MyPaper interviewed me for a story on Going Local 4.

Going Local is a production by Buds Theatre Company. Find out more from yesterday’s post.

The transcript of my interview, as follows:

  1. Name, age, occupation:
    Mr Laremy Lee, 32, playwright.

    I am presently a schools correspondent with The Straits Times. I will be moving to the School of the Arts, Singapore at the end of the month (June 29, 2015), to teach literature and literary arts.

  2. How do you feel about your play being picked as a feature of Going Local 4?
    It is both a privilege and an honour to be part of a proud tradition started by Buds Theatre Company’s artistic director Claire Devine.

  3. Summarise Hands Down in 14 words or less.
    A married couple discovers their incompatibility while in a competition to win a car.

  4. What inspired your passion for playwriting?
    I have always had a love for writing and the English language. Theatre is one of the avenues in which I express myself creatively.

  5. The play on paper can be vastly different from the creature on stage – are you prepared for any potential changes?
    Staging a play is like sailing a ship; with all hands on deck, everyone – from cast to crew – works to move the play forward.

    As with all ships I’ve built, I leave this vessel in the good hands of the director, who will steer it in the direction she thinks best.

    I’m fine with it taking a different tack – so long as it doesn’t go off course.

  6. What do you hope to achieve with Hands Down?
    I wrote the play in response to a trend taking place in Singapore society and mirrored in my circle of friends.Because of the way housing policy is designed, many young Singaporean couples ballot for public housing at a young age.

    When the key arrives some years later, some of these couples – having grown in age and maturity – realise they are not as in love with each other as they used to be.

    Understandably, the sunk cost is, sometimes, perceived as greater than the benefits of backing out of the impending nuptials. These couples end up entering an unhappy marriage, along with all its attendant ills.

    Is there a better way for Singapore to enact pro-marriage policies, while balancing housing considerations in a country with limited land? Or is it a case of mismatched expectations versus a practical reality, when it comes to finding a companion and a life partner? I hope the play gets people to start thinking about these issues – or even finding a solution, if possible.

  7. What are some memorable things theatre practitioners have said to you?
    One common sentiment expressed by many writers – playwrights, poets, novelists, etc. – whom I know: For every play that goes to stage, or every book that goes to print, there are dozens more that remain as unfinished drafts or rejected manuscripts, languishing in the bottom of the drawer.

    The Pareto principle suggests that 80 per cent of an artist’s best output is going to come from 20 per cent of his input. So it could well be that 80 per cent of your time might be spent achieving 20 per cent of your work.

    Having said that, don’t settle for inefficiency. Learn from the mistakes you make, and and don’t make the same mistake again. Better yet – get a good mentor who gives good feedback. It’ll cut down the time you’d need to take to get to where you want to go.

Book your tickets here. If you’d like to, you can read the 2012 version of Hands Down here.