You can’t base relationships solely on what happens when you’re together. Because they’re also about what happens when you’re apart.
Category - Relationships
A friend recently revealed to me that she was in love-limbo – that is, deciding between staying put with her partner or moving on to graze on greener pastures.
To help with her decision, I promised I’d share nuggets of knowledge on dating and romance that I’ve found over the years – an essential reading list, as it were.
I realised, after pasting all the links from the Lare-pository of Wisdom (hurhur) into an e-mail message, that it was actually worth a blog post.
So congratulations, everyone! You get to benefit from the spillover effect/positive externalities of an attempt to make good on a promise – or collateral damage, as it may turn out to be.
- Choosing a partner (before you start dating):
- How we end up marrying the wrong people
- How to pick your life partner (part 1 and part 2)
- The thing about love
- Great Expectations: The Soul Mate Quest (via)
- How we end up marrying the wrong people
- Building a good relationship (dating and marriage):
- Find out each other’s love language
- Take the relationship closeness inventory (online quiz or printable PDF)
- How to have a great relationship
- A shortcut to bonding with a romantic partner
- 15 honest questions the person you marry should be able to answer
- Masters of love: Science says lasting relationships come down to – you guessed it – kindness and generosity.
- Building a great marriage:
- UPDATED (Sun, 2 Aug 2015): Rules For A Happy Marriage: 4 Secrets From An Expert
The section on “How to build a great marriage” is pretty skimpy, for obvious reasons (I haven’t reached that stage yet, although the plan is to get there soon).
Nevertheless, feel free to leave a comment with a link to your favourite article, if anyone has stuff they’d like to add.
So, many of my friends and loved ones have paired off or are pairing off.
I’m happy for all of them. Unfortunately, not all of them are happy, and some want out.
In a case like this, what’s the best way to decide?
The conventional decision-making process utilises happiness to decide whether to stay or to go.
That’s not wrong, but the focus is – because it usually tends to be on: are you/am I happy with X?
I’ve come to realise – from both conversations and experience (recent and otherwise) – that this question needs to be reframed so that we address the more pertinent issue at hand – that of added value.
Because the thing about love is that it isn’t merely about value i.e. happiness with X; the thing about love is that it’s about added value i.e. how happy X makes us feel about ourselves.
Assuming ceteris paribus – i.e. we’ve cleaned up our act and sown all the wild oats we need to sow, we’ve let go of any issues or people that need to be let go of, etc. – the real question we should be asking ourselves is:
Does X make me more awesome than I already am?
I’ve seen it in the friends and loved ones who are happy, and I’ve felt it for myself too: a good partner is someone who explicitly supports you in becoming better than you already are.
And rightfully so – if being with someone constrains you; curtails your development as a human being; turns you into a shadow of your awesome self, then is that person really good for you?
It’s applicable to not just love, but at work and in friendships and family relationships too.
For as hard as it may be, all of us will need to cut the strings to relationships that are toxic or stunting at various points of time in our lives.
In making those decisions, we shouldn’t let past happiness or promises of future bliss cloud our vision.
What we should be doing, really, is focusing on the fundamental issue of how much X will be able to help us grow.
And if that growth is going to be minimal, negligible – or even negative – then I’d say you know the answer for what you need to do to be happy.