It was Oscar Wilde who supposedly said, “True friends stab you in the front.”
Never has this adage been proven more true than with this war-faring business going on between North and South Korea!
So I was hard at work – yes, I am; I will find some way to show everyone what I’ve done so far in due course – this afternoon when I suddenly heard the sound of helicopters heading north.
Uh oh, I thought to myself. Can’t be good news, can it?
So I posted this as my Facebook status:
Uhhh… Just saw a military helicopter heading northward. Don’t need to get worried, yet, right?
I received a couple of inane responses; nothing too inflammatory. But there were actually people who ‘Liked’ my status! The audacity!
So I resumed my work – but half an hour later, I heard the sound of fighter jets flying westward!
So I posted this as my Facebook status:
In addition to helicopters, I just heard fighter jets roaring westward over the mountains. This is too stressful; I didn’t sign up for this!
Then I received even more inane responses, and even more ‘Likes’, which didn’t do much for my cortisol levels; I was super jumpy and I couldn’t write anymore.
Anyway, I recognised the “fight or flight” feeling, so I was thought to myself: Ah, fug this shizz, let’s go for a run before dinner (actually that was the plan all along, lah; the anxiety came at the right time.)
But I had already been crafting something humorous to take my mind off the whole matter, so I posted this before I left for my run:
MERLION KIMCHI
WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED (POSTHUMOUSLY)
BY LAREMY LEE
A young writer quits his teaching job to pursue his writing dream, and is awarded a prestigious residency in South Korea, finally hitting the big time – or so he thinks. Within days of his arrival, North Korea declares war on South Korea and The Land of Morning Calm is thrown into a tumultuous turmoil.
Disgruntled (for he had, obviously, been gruntled before this) at having had a curveball thrown at him yet again, the writer must now decide: fight or flight?
Will he pack his things and head for the southern coastal city of Tongyeong in the hopes that his NS friends will jet over from neighbouring Japan to rescue him – or will he join the South Koreans and provide them with his military logistics expertise (and humour) in their attempt to rid their lands of the North Korean scourge, once and for all?
Find out in this exciting adventure-packed film starring all the friends of Laremy Lee who are cruelly ‘Liking’ his panic-stricken status updates on Facebook and providing irreverently irrelevant comments and suggestions to alleviate (or mock) his plight.
Guess what kind of responses I returned to when I was done with my run and dinner?
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you a (curated) list of comments I received from the bastards I have to call my “friends” (on Facebook):
“start digging a foxhole, just to be safe. :)”
“laremy. go there for combat stress training. you will get a medal.”
“Write a poem about it.”
“Think u shld do a Dennis Rodman, jio mr Kim to play touch rugby with u”
“can help me buy Dashida beef stock”
“mmmmm cruel liking.”
“If you faster get plastic surgery, you can at least look good before you die!”
“Hi Laremy, please e-register. It’s useful when MFA needs to find the body.” (This one received 9 ‘Likes’ and counting… Kaninaseyo, indeed.)
“I did my part and contributed some ‘Likes'”
“I remember reading a book about a writer trapped in a war once. Despite the war, she kept on writing. Didn’t turn out well for the writer though. Go read the book, ‘Diary of Anne Frank’.”
Can I have pooters?
True friends or what? They were probably competing to see who could come up with the cruellest comment!
